heavy life

Beginning Again

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”
Semisonic, “Closing Time”, 1998

(Huh. Never actually written an epigraph before. Neat.)

I’m beginning to write this after midnight (as many blog posts have begun in my past), the beginning of the calendar day that will be my last with my current employer. And I feel like I’m not going to sleep particularly well tonight, not because I’m feeling ill or uncomfortable with the slumping section of my bed where my butt dips between the wooden slats, but because I’m experiencing a sense of dread in knowing what will happen after that work day: I will have no work to do.

And yet, that’s not even remotely true… I’ll have to file for unemployment insurance, put together a budget to properly manage my current financial situation, probably more laundry (my bedding is clean, yet another way to know it’s not the bed making me uncomfortable), post more blog entries on various topics. But still, I won’t have a “workplace” – even though I’ve worked entirely online for the past three years – to go “back” to once the weekend is over.

My girlfriend has been wonderful in reminding me that, since I have a little money in the bank, that I’ll be “on vacation” a little while until my next gig is lined up. I suppose that’s accurate; I’ll have my first weekend where I’m not missing any work since I pretty much started with this company. My work week had been shifted over a day from the standard, working Tuesdays through Saturdays, which led to my calling Saturday “my Friday” for added confusion amongst new acquaintances. I’ll work, then I’ll have an evening, then the next day I’ll see my sweetie and experience a nice weekend with good company.

I suppose then the dread comes from next Tuesday. The first day of my old week schedule, and I’ll probably be spending it where I’ve found some inexpensive writing solace… the food court of the local mall, with a stronger wifi signal than I have at the house where my stuff is. Maybe I’ll bring a book with me, maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll bring my 3DS and see who walks by with theirs. Maybe I’ll fill up my Round1 card and work some DDR/cardio into my routine, or just go for a nice walk. Point is, there aren’t firm plans in place yet for how a life without this job will work, though I have a few ideas for after day one.

I’ve shared the below video multiple times on various social media platforms, but it still makes me happy and hopeful and feel prepared for the world. I owe Ze Frank a few hugs – handshakes at least – for his making stuff that’s helped me through emotional crises. And here I am sharing this again… even though my FILDI is about as strong as it has ever been.

Time to buckle down and do what’s necessary. As he says in the video, “…let me enjoy this. Life isn’t just a sequence of waiting for things to be done.”

Well said, Ze.

Stand Tall, my friends. Here’s hoping any troubles in your life will only enhance your FILDI further.